Tuesday, 25 August 2009


I seem to be undoing all my hard work these last few weeks
So long patience.
Sayonara to not worrying about things that haven't happened yet.
When was the last time I breathed properly, or found some time for me, or sat on the couch, nicely out of focus, relaxing and clearing my mind?
Looks like I'm back to overwhelmed.
Back to focusing on all I have to do and having no time for anything else outside of that.
I'm sure I'm listening as I talk to people. I know I heard every word that my darling sis said on the phone at the weekend but can I recall a word of it now? Not really, well at least, not the nice words...there's a shadow of the scary "I'm worried about you" ones but I don't really want to look at those.
New childcare arriving in the country tomorrow.
Been writing a dossier on how to run my life for me at home while I'm at work running everyone else's. Work is my sanity but also my undoing, because it takes me away from my babies (I know they're not babies, but I can't help talking about them in that way when I express my longing to be with them more)
I do know that working is right for now, and is necessary, and I'm good at it. The kindness of employers makes me grateful, and I get to do all the hospital stuff I need and I know what it's done for my confidence to be back doing what I did for so long and so successfully.
But I also know that I can't go on like this forever.
Start planning now for the day when I come off red alert and might want to think about what other options I have out there.
Aren't blogs funny? writing and writing into the ether...noone reading it and once I get over the slight humiliation that comes from the act of writing, and consider the fact that I'm not doing it for anyone but me, it almost feels enjoyable.
but it's still odd. writing into a void and... actually, the humiliated fear feeling I get each time is that maybe someone is reading it and I'll be rumbled.
rumbled for what I don't know.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Underlying Health Issues

Underlying Health Issues.
Three words that you read as the excuse for all the recent swine flu deaths.
I see these words everywhere, in all the stats and all the news stories and the macabre mummy in me wants full details of what they mean.
So far I've guesses at tonsilitis, some kind of lung thing and probably lots of colds that happened to be raped and pillaged and mutated by H1N1.
You see I'm so used to interrogating every medical aspect of my little man's life, I'm thinking of studying medicine so I never have to rely on a doctor's opinion at all. So when I read something like this, something that could easily be the difference between getting over a case of swine flu (which did I mention is just one away from us at work, in the family, at nursery...) I need to know more
I need to pry and have details because my house is full of underlying health issues, complicating the ordinary run of our lives and meaning I have be as observant as I am.
So when does an underlying health issue become an overarching excuse for tragedy and illness?
Is there more I can do than ruthlessly medicating to get rid of the horrid ear infection in one boy, and checking the temperature and watching and listening for the slightest physical sign of change in them both.
yet there's a rattle in my chest and a cold that won't go away that I'm seemingly in denial about.
does that count as Underlying?
can my underlying infect them and turn into theirs?
it's all so confusing and I fear I've finally tipped into neuroticism?
how do I avoid us being part of those headlines?
how do I get them to take my vulnerable little boy seriously?
and will we get to go on holiday on Sunday?