Tuesday, 25 August 2009


I seem to be undoing all my hard work these last few weeks
So long patience.
Sayonara to not worrying about things that haven't happened yet.
When was the last time I breathed properly, or found some time for me, or sat on the couch, nicely out of focus, relaxing and clearing my mind?
Looks like I'm back to overwhelmed.
Back to focusing on all I have to do and having no time for anything else outside of that.
I'm sure I'm listening as I talk to people. I know I heard every word that my darling sis said on the phone at the weekend but can I recall a word of it now? Not really, well at least, not the nice words...there's a shadow of the scary "I'm worried about you" ones but I don't really want to look at those.
New childcare arriving in the country tomorrow.
Been writing a dossier on how to run my life for me at home while I'm at work running everyone else's. Work is my sanity but also my undoing, because it takes me away from my babies (I know they're not babies, but I can't help talking about them in that way when I express my longing to be with them more)
I do know that working is right for now, and is necessary, and I'm good at it. The kindness of employers makes me grateful, and I get to do all the hospital stuff I need and I know what it's done for my confidence to be back doing what I did for so long and so successfully.
But I also know that I can't go on like this forever.
Start planning now for the day when I come off red alert and might want to think about what other options I have out there.
Aren't blogs funny? writing and writing into the ether...noone reading it and once I get over the slight humiliation that comes from the act of writing, and consider the fact that I'm not doing it for anyone but me, it almost feels enjoyable.
but it's still odd. writing into a void and... actually, the humiliated fear feeling I get each time is that maybe someone is reading it and I'll be rumbled.
rumbled for what I don't know.

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