Little Bit Low But Need to Break the Blogging Silence

it's hard to write when I'm feeling up against it. To spend time putting the negative thoughts and moods into words and making them real.

I've been home alone this week while D was on yet another business trip. I'm tired and kind of feeling ill and anxious and letting all kinds of things get on top of me. I'm trying not to make the casualties of this busy life always be the nice stuff. Watching the swimming lesson, playing with the kids rather than half focussing while doing chores. But also I want to keep doing my job well and make sure I don't let anyone down. It's the same old cry for any working mum I know.

So while I sit here in a bit of a blur, not entirely sure of where my head is or what really the problem is, I am quite sure that I haven't been a very nice or satisfying mummy, or friend, or colleague, or daughter or sister or wife for a few days. I also find that when I feel like this, my virtual life exceeds the expectations and realities of my actual life, and that can't be a good thing...can it?

Which is why I want to say a couple of things.

A "goodbye" to a wonderful old lady called Tilly who welcomed me as if she were my own granny, loved my kids and cared about their happiness, led a long and amazing life and will be sorely missed.

A "phew" that my sister is at home recovering from her operation, and a hope that she clears the infection and gets back to being my happy healthy worry-free big sister again soon

A "thank you" to a friend who tonight sang and entertained a generous group of people in a local methodist church and chose to give the proceedings to the C18 Europe gang.

A "sorry", in fact lots of "sorries". To my boys who've had grumpy mummy strung out a bit more this week than they should. To L who got a bit of frustration from me, partly due to lack of patience with the frequent accidents this weekend, but also as a result of a tough hospital day on Friday catching up on me. To my husband who came in jetlagged tonight, saw me for 10 minutes or so before I ran out to said musical charity evening, and is now snoring in bed with the football blaring. It's nice to have you home, I'm looking forward to a quiet week together.

Some more "thank you's". To my Marble friend, for sharing her excitement and giving me hope, helping me to have something really fulfilling that is rare in how I welcome finding the time to give to it. To my neighbour for cutting the hedge for me and letting my boys clear up all the leaves. It was a gorgeous snatched 45 minutes of neighbourly fun while we waited for my uncle and aunt to pick us up for a lovely dinner at my brother and sis in law's house. To my beautiful blonde friend for the phone call the other night bridging north and south London with a glass of wine and long vent of shared frustrations, for my other gorgeous super stylish friend for drinking and helping to share the stuff that can't be said with just anyone. for my in-laws collectively and a happy meal that cleared my mind and filled my boys' tummies last night. For anyone who's been nice to me that I've forgotten to mention.

A quick medical update - unforgivably lumped at the end here. We were looking again at whether L's spinal curve was progressive, so on Friday went back for an xray and found it looking ok, so another reprieve for half a year or so. But on the back of a good long consultation, I'm now waiting for a neuro-muscular referral to see about the toe-walking, had an ultrasound on a lump on his knee which, surprise surprise, they'd never seen before so could only say was a veinal malformation, but thought it looked fine and we should just keep an eye on it. We have our kidney appointment on 23rd and I'm trying to keep my mind off that until I get there. I am however allowing myself to note down the odd pattern of his wees today (which I know intimately I can tell you!!!!!!!) and which will lead me to do a bit of further searching before I find myself in front of the renal team.

I look forward to a week of feeling calmer and more able to cope.