Sunday, 8 January 2012

Break Yourself Better

I've been having a lovely time writing for a site called The Weekly Wrinkle about all kinds of things that make me laugh.  Today I'm really happy to be posting my next bit of nonsense back here, in my happy in between, enjoy...

This is it, I’m going to make a fortune because it’s nearly time to unveil my very own, “Post-Christmas, everyone’s a bit fat”…..Broken Limb Fitness Fad.

Back in August I broke my 5th metatarsal while stumbling clumsily on holiday (perfectly sober more’s the pity). After an operation to pin an errant little bit of bone and 14 weeks of post op tedium, I have found many unforeseen shallow benefits to this injury; various aspects of incapacitation and recovery that are as good if not better than many of the nonsense “eat yourself thin and happy” things I’ve read over the years. 

So here, gratis for you readers, I reveal snippets of my soon to be best-selling book and DVD: Break Yourself Better.

Skin Care 

After 3 or 4 weeks of non-weight bearing/hopping/crutching, then 3 weeks of partial weight bearing/crutching, I found hidden skin benefits. Namely that my left foot was transformed all over; soft, smooth and unblemished as a newborn’s.  Persistently and without any effort from me.  And it still is.  Genius.

Bingo Wing Busting #1 - Swinging on Crutches

After around 6 or 7 weeks on crutches I had extremely firm upper arms.   As a result I have not yet consigned said crutches to the loft (don’t worry, not stealing from the NHS, mine cost 11 Euros in Spain).  Just a few minutes a day swinging around in the bedroom is keeping the bingo wings at bay and is fun now that it’s not a necessity.

Bingo Wing Busting #2 - Bum Shuffle Toning

I found that the shuffling up and downstairs on my bum that I had to endure for numerous weeks had two fabulous benefits.  Firstly for my upper arms, much more fun than those machines at the gym.  Secondly it also managed to flatten down my bottom and kind of dissipate all the wobbly bits.  For my hugely successful book I shall endeavour to find some dodgy science to back all of that up.

Surprise Weight Loss Opportunities #1 - Pre-Pubescent Flashback

Leg withering and muscle atrophy is not really something you’d imagine could have a silver lining, but I’m happy to say it can.  You see, on a bad day, I think it is secretly a little bit ok to look in the mirror at the top of your withered thigh and see that it looks just like Victoria Beckham’s. (*DISCLAIMER, do not look at the whole leg, just the bits that have not been thin since you were 10 years old)

Surprise Weight Loss Opportunities #2- Allergic Reaction Result!

Adverse reactions to both anaesthetic and pain killers, plus inactivity and slight depression, can mean unforeseen weight loss. (*DISCLAIMER, continued exciting eating makes the weight loss/gain boundary quite hard to discern.  At some point you have to step away from the biscuit cupboard)

Hard-Core Points 

I find that any points this many years past child-bearing are hard won.  Even my two natural births are long past counting and it’s been difficult to garner anything on the pain scale since then. Men on the other hand continue to do man-games like football through and past their 30s, so fractures,sprains,ligament tears are commonplace. However a bona-fide broken bone, operation and ligament damage, borne with supreme grace and bravery (this is hindsight here remember) just adds to your “I’m harder than you” quota.

So, should you have stumble-trip-clunked over the festive period and find your brittle bones suffering, come and find solace at a bookshop near you.


  1. Catherine Baigent08/01/2012, 13:11

    Waaah, this is brilliant. You are so funny. Love it. I am not sure I'm hard core enough to buy the DVD though. ;) Or do I get 'hard points' by buying it and then leaving it on the shelf with my other unwrapped exercise DVDs? Happy New Year lovely. (let's do a meet soon, shall we?) xx

  2. CB you absolutely get hard points for adding my imaginary DVD to a bona fide "I'm too busy to concentrate on myself" DVD pile. so glad you like it and yes please let's get together. transfer to FB and let's make plans xx

  3. Brilliant!!!!! And so true. Having been on crutches numerous times I totally agree. Maybe a free pair of crutches with each book/DVD would be an incentive to buy! Good luck with it. Lol xxx

  4. Germaine Broadbent08/01/2012, 21:38

    please can you post a short video on You Tube of you in the bedroom swinging on your crutches... i reckon it would defo go viral x

  5. here here, make the U tube video and I will personally blog it and send it to the states - you will be rich and famous and can get a new metatarcle ( however you spell that body part) for your birthday!