Perception

I had an interesting dream that has really stuck in my head.

In it I was living in my first childhood home and the garden was a big old mess of overgrown grass, hedge, animal poo and on the whole a not very pleasant place.  In fact with an awake head on, I think it was a mix of the structure of my then lovely garden, coupled with the very real chaos and bramble of next door at that time which had a variety of hippy types living in it.

Back to the dream, aside from one bit where I was very upset to have to leave a kitten in the garden because everyone told me he'd be ok just left out there in the chaos on his own, my overriding sense was of being very frustrated.   The main cause of which was this huge mess and decay that I just couldn't see a way to make neat and tidy and fit into the idea of what I wanted the garden in my home to look like. I felt like my nerves were taut and that I couldn't find the tools or time to make it safe and clean and healthy and that I was a failure for not being able to do so.

Then later in the dream after a brief segue into another narrative genre, I returned to my theme of wanting to make things better.  Whoever I was talking to was engaging with me, so we went to the back room together to look at the situation.  When we reached it I saw that the garden was actually neat, calm, ordered and with healthy plants and veg and all the things I'd wanted.

Dreams are there to show us what our minds are processing, so it's no surprise that the whole neat/messy debate is here visualised having been the subject of funny emails with my C18 family with regard to the new genetic diagnosis that is hovering.

But I also think it's about perception.  In my head things are apt to feel messy and disordered, like I'm just not good enough at making it all work.  And yet when other people look in (and I know this is something that other "special" mummies recognise too) they see Super Sara, someone who can just get it all done and find time to fit in more. Like parent rep duties, joining committees, helping out.  It's another example of the "I don't know how you do it" syndrome. 

So what I need to think about is, are they seeing the real thing or am I?  Or is it not that simple...somewhere in the middle...or a constantly moving thing?

I love dreaming and I love deconstructing them when they're meaty enough, to try to find an impact that they can bring to my everyday. So I'm looking forward to untangling this more in those de-focussed times like my tube journey or in the queue for lunch