Friday, 5 March 2010

down low

Still a bit lame at all this blogging stuff.  I don't do it often enough, not that I have any followers so it's not really like I'm disappointing anyone.  Still, I've decided to do it so I should try to stick at it.

I could be kind to myself and say it's because I have a full time job, do all the home stuff, have two kids and have at least one extra curricular appointment for the little one in between all the other stuff like trying to see friends, do exercise, relax, see husband, stare into space just a little....

I need some idea about posting etiquette.  Or maybe I need a crystal ball to know where all of these words and thoughts and feelings will end up and how and/or if and/or when they may come back to bite me on the arse.

Like if I posted about how uneven the sharing of things are in my house these last few weeks that makes me feel so frustrated and used that I could actually burst.

Like if I posted about how I am struggling daily (sometimes hourly and minutely) to keep optimism and positive attitude towards my career.

Like if I splurted all the stuff that makes me frown in my down time.

Tonight I feel low.  We had a little revisit to L's adenoids and grommets this week and I was very nervous about it, having had such troubles first time round back in November 2008. It went really smoothly, just like it would with a typical boy, and he's enjoying his quarantine just hanging out with his nanny and me a bit and having the toys to himself.  I've been able to take big boy to school three times this week and it's been almost too gorgeous a start to my day.  We've even had a paediatric assessment with a big pass from the nice doctor and a glimmer of hope that I might get closer to having someone across all the unanswered medical stuff. 

But ask me when I last had a non-tense conversation with D, I couldn't tell you.  Ask me when he last pulled his head out of his own stress to look around and think "hmm, what can I do for anyone else round here right now?" and I couldn't tell you. 
Ask me why he's down there typing, and I'm up here and never the twain is meeting. 
And I couldn't be bothered to tell you.

Sometimes, rightly or wrongly, it all just feels too hard.

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