Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Public Private

Stuck on a tube train  last week I was struck by thoughts of how this blog must look to my big boy.
How he would react to it if he read it now or in the future?

I love my children equally, ferociously, and for many reasons the same and many different.  Which is kind of different to my Mum who strove and still strives to love us all the same and finds it hard to pinpoint what she likes better about any of us.  As if it would be a betrayal of her motherly duty to do so.  While I admire and love the equality in that, it's hard sometimes.

I also remember a moment when my sister commented me that I look at my boys differently and at the time I was defensive about that.  I now think she's right though, because I know there's a sense of foreboding and relief and intricate study when I look at the little one, and sometimes with my big boy, I don't know who's the parent and who's the child because he's so wise beyond his years.

One thing is sure though, that I love my children for all the joy and pain I feel and have felt, and through the momentous and incidental moments that life brings our family.

So I feel I'm balanced about this, but I don't know if this blog can ever reflect that.  Because here I write about me. Here is, by definition, about me trying to find a middle ground in all areas.  Yet because of who I am and how important the mummy bit is in me, my posts are often precipitated by them.
My boys.
And as a result of his jumbled chromosomes, one more than the other.

Reading back I have a latent worry that one child might appear not to feature enough. But also that a blog about overcoming challenges might make the other child think that that's all he is or was.

So for the record and to have a post for them to read first should we get to that point, here is what you beautiful boys mean to me.  I hope you'll know which one is for you as you read:

Your smiling cuddling joyful heart healed mine the second you appeared inside me. You are growing serious and I fear that you feel and know so much that by being open with you about the tough stuff, that I may have robbed a bit of your childhood. You are special and kind, strong and soft, confident and anxious, clever, brave and scared. You are my wonderful boy and I'm proud to be your Mummy and grateful for your magic healing ways.

While your story has bumps and trials and pain right from the start, that pain is often at the systems that make it hard and the people that don't get it. Sometimes at the things that make life a bit harder than it should be for you.  But never ever at your triumphs, your existence or your challenges.  You hold only joy, smiles, delight, heart filling warmth, pride and will always have my admiration for how you exceed all my hopes.

All I can ever hope to have given you both, above all else, is a love of each other . An appreciation of the lovely people I hope you meet and all the beauty the world has to offer, and a huge does of stubbornness and charm mixed just right to ensure a smooth path through.


  1. I loved this post and understand the longing for equal "presentation" on a public blog. I've often wondered the same things. Those older siblings have no choice but to understand the world on a deeper level, even if they don't consciousy recognize that yet. I truly believe this is a gift, and have hope they will see it the same way too.

  2. Beautiful post, and I'm sure when older, your boys will have no problem in knowing you love them both equally... different, but the same :)

  3. I think of your blog more as a diary, not a representation of your love for your children. At any rate, I'm sure they both know the are loved!!