Sunday, 23 May 2010

A little story about camels and straws

I'm trying to find a way to explain my recent mood swings in a way that doesn't encourage me to spend a post beating myself up. Because although that's something I like to do every now and then, I know enough to be assured that it's not good for me.
So instead I searched my head for a nice parable to illustrate things and make myself feel better at the same time.

It's only natural that every now and then things get a bit too much. Sometime because of hormones (yes, I'll admit it here and it's probably the only place where my long suffering husband will ever see this), sometimes because it's natural to get a bit het up (well it is in my family) and sometimes because I'm just not as good at balancing it all as I want to be.
An email, pressure of performing at work, an ill thought, word or response, another task for the to do lists, a request when I already feel I'm doing enough, another cloak dropped over my feelings through people just not getting it....

The last couple of weeks, I've been really feeling the pressure of wanting to do my best at work and having to run things single handedly at home (and spend proper time with my kids) because of D's business trips away. I already run things by remote control and spend so much time, as many full time working mums, fbending over backwards to keep everyone happy and probably failing all over the place. Not least with regard to myself.
So back to the story. And that camel's spine.
If I were a camel, I'd be in a spinal brace by now, every so often thinking I'm feeling strong and better, equilibrium returned, taking off the support and breathing deep and slow. And then a pesky strand of straw will fall in the wrong place, taking me by surprise, and the crack opens up again.

I've had a lovely weekend, full of sunshine, lots of activities and a fair amount of chilling too. Lovely friends, healthy family (although a strange rash on L that's been preoccupying that part of my brain). D is back, I don't feel too tired and I even started my day with a basket full of ironing and kids TV while the kids ate breakfast. So why at the end of all of that have I just breathed my way out of a quiet but angry tornado. Brought on by reading a few emails, fending off comments like "just don't bother" by D, entering stuff in the family diary, trying not to worry about my big sister and D's granny, and the ever present worry of whether I'm really any good at coping.

Still, positive things to take from this are that in my story, the camel's back is not broken, it's just got a couple of stubborn hairline fractures. And using my knowledge of spinal braces (and I'm hoping that in June I don't get to update my skills on that with our appointment at the hospital to check the progress of L's curve) I am healing each fracture a little at a time.

So, this camel may have the hump (do you see what I did there, even an attempt at humour!) but she's not broken yet.

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